How curiosity, awakening, and authenticity brought me back to myself.
There was a time when I felt highly driven by my ambitions. I had notebooks full of ideas. I had dreams, plans, books I wanted to write, and stories I wanted to tell. But somehow, I always felt as if there was a heavy roadblock standing in my way.
Then, after an unexpected personal loss that brought with it a major life change, that roadblock began to feel more like a lack of motivation. What followed were a couple of years spent in a void, where I found myself grappling with the idea of discovering the real purpose of my life.
It may seem ironic, but the isolation imposed on us during COVID helped me immensely. It gave me time to settle into my new surroundings and look at my life through a fresh lens.
I started writing, and it often felt more like downloads than me consciously trying to write. I published my first book “Relationships Matter”.
In my first book, I wrote about managing relationships from a very practical perspective, and not from an awareness of spirituality or consciousness. Though I spoke many times about looking within ourselves to find happiness rather than handing control of our happiness over to others, and about how the emotion of self-love helps with that, I never really mentioned anything about a higher power or Source.
Though, being a curious person, I was fascinated by questions around consciousness, quantum physics, and the possibility that we are all connected to something greater than ourselves. I had been somewhat aware of spirituality, but had not really experienced it as a lived reality.
Somewhere deep within, I had probably already accepted the idea that we are not isolated beings, but part of a larger field of consciousness.
But at that point, it was curiosity.
It lived in books, videos, thoughts, and late-night questions.
It had not yet become my experience.
That changed over the last couple of years.
Looking back, I cannot point to one dramatic event and say, “That was the moment.” But I can see the beginning of a series of catalysts. One of them was attending a retreat where we explored the idea of connecting with Source and aligning our thoughts and intentions with manifestation.
As part of the program, we were guided through self-reflection exercises and asked to identify our personal blockages. Mine surfaced almost unconsciously: “lack of motivation”.
During the workshop, we were encouraged to acknowledge these blockages and try to release them by asking Source to help us move through them.
I do not know whether it was the design of the program, the environment, the temporary removal from everyday distractions, the feeling of connectedness, or certain interactions I had during that time. Maybe it was all of them together.
But by the end of the workshop, something felt different.
Something had opened.
For the first time, spirituality moved out of theory and into experience.
Many experiences that followed started feeling more like synchronicities than coincidences.
I felt as if Source had quietly decided to become my partner on this journey of finding my real self—the version of me that felt more confident, more joyful, and fully energized to pursue ideas and bring them into reality.
But at first, it almost felt as if Source was testing me.
I began experiencing intense waves of confidence and immense love, followed by restlessness and doubts. I felt like I was moving in spirals and did not know how to handle the intensity of what I was experiencing.
Some wonderful friends I met during the workshop suggested practices such as journaling, movement exercises, walking, and dancing. Those activities helped me tremendously. They created space for self-reflection while also helping me enter a flow state through movement.
A few months later, I went through a period that I still find difficult to fully explain. I experienced intense movements of energy in my body, changes in temperature, changes in sleep patterns, and at times I felt as if I were operating on a completely different plane altogether.
I did not always feel grounded.
There were moments when I wondered what was happening to me.
What was this experience?
I started searching online to better understand what I was experiencing, and to my surprise, I discovered entire communities discussing similar experiences.
Some called it Kundalini Awakening. Others described it differently. Some even reported it as part of a spiritual journey that twin flames experience after encountering their twin flame for the first time.
I do not know if labels matter as much anymore. My logical mind was not ready to place a label on my experience.
Either way, I experienced a transformation.
I am still not entirely sure what initiated it, but I do feel that a higher power was at play.
What I know now is what remained after the intensity of that experience.
I came back to reality, but I came back differently.
I began noticing that I no longer judged people the same way. I became less critical and more accepting. I found myself observing rather than reacting. I felt more empathy. I started seeing people less as “right” or “wrong” and more as human beings carrying their own stories, fears, conditioning, and struggles.
I also noticed something shifting inside me. I was now following two simple rules in relationships- Don’t worry about others judging you, and keep your heart open anyway.
And in my work, before all of this, it wasn’t that I lacked ideas. I think I lacked permission- permission from my ego self that always wanted perfection and good rationale to do things. I was quietly waiting for certainty before I allowed myself to fully step into them.”
Earlier –
There was less confidence.
Less motivation.
And there was often a quiet voice asking:
“What difference would my work really make?”
Today I feel more energized, more driven, and more authentic. Not because I suddenly manufactured motivation or became a different person, but because less energy is being spent hiding, doubting, or filtering myself.
That realization changed something for me.
And I started expressing again, but this time it came from my intuition, and I didn’t ignore it. I listened to it, and followed the inner voice that guided me.
Maybe awakening is not about becoming someone new.
Maybe it is about spending less energy defending, hiding, and questioning our worth, until what was always there finally has enough space to breathe.
I wonder how many of us spend years trying to become better versions of ourselves while carrying a quieter desire underneath—to simply feel like ourselves again.
For me, awareness removed noise.
Integration removed division.
And expression is slowly becoming natural.
I still have goals. I still challenge myself. I still want to create and contribute.
But now it feels less like proving myself and more like allowing myself.
And perhaps that is the journey I am on now — creating more and spending less energy hiding.
“Maybe this was never a journey outward at all.”
“Maybe it was always a journey back to myself.”
I thought I needed motivation.
What I needed was to spend less energy hiding.